Apocalypse Later


I almost thought I was reading an actual “news” item until I saw “religious nuts” in your The Hoffman Post report. The American press never says “religious nuts,” “gun nuts,” “Brazil nuts,” or any other kind of nuts, even if the tag fits. And the picture is priceless, except that “father” doesn’t seem to have enough starch in his collar, look how limp it is, so St. Peter might send him back to get it done right–after all, Heaven is not meant for slackers.

“Where are we, Daddy?” “We’re on our way to Heaven, darling.” “But I thought we were on the Tennessee Turnpike.” “Oh, we were, darling, right up to when that semi cut into our lane.” “What is that bright light?” “The Pearly Gates, darling, can’t you see St. Peter?” “Oh, yes, I see him! Why is he holding that big book?” “It has all our names in it.” “Even my little Puddy-Tat’s name?” “No, darling, I’m sorry, but Puddy-Tat’s name won’t be in the ledger.” “Then I’m not going, Daddy.”

The next time there’s a big rapture, I’d like to know about it. Nobody in China even knew it was coming. I found out about it after it happened, or, didn’t happen. Until this particular rapture I had prepared for every other previous rapture that never happened.

I only hope that the Lord is forgiving and knows that I have a near perfect record, rapturally speaking, and it was only because on this particular occassion I happened to be living outside of the American mainstream, the “river of nuts” so to speak, that the rapture snuck right by me. Perhaps if the government would make it a holiday (Holy Day) then maybe we could get our clocks synchronized and every American could get through those Pearly Gates.

What? Only 144,000? Really? Then why did He make so many of us? Oops, I didn’t mean that, Lord, what I meant to say was thank God for making the rapture happen in America and for not letting any Chinese in, otherwise it’s doubtful that even one American could get in. Americans cannot compete with the Chinese when it comes to standing in line, even the line to Heaven.

After all, have you ever seen Chinese stand in line for stamps, buses, trains, bank tellers or anything else? No, you haven’t. You know why not? Because they don’t stand in line and they don’t follow the rules. They just push and squirm until they’re suddenly in front of you and you’re left standing there holding your number, but the Doors have already closed. That’s how it works in China.

As reported in the above post, “According to Harold Camping, May 21 was an ‘invisible judgement day.'” Wait a big gosh darn minute here! If it already happened, no matter how invisible it was, it means that the 144,000 have already left the earth, but the rest of us got left behind, including Mr. Camping. And if Mr. Camping missed the boat, ark, whatever, that’s completely inconceivable because he was the first one to lay odds that May 21st was the day, even though historically nothing has ever happened on May 21st and it’s as though May 21st had never even existed until he brought it up–check your calendar.

And wait another gosh darn minute! If 144,000 souls disappeared over the weekend, they certainly weren’t Americans because we would have noticed it–and our churches are still full! The only place I know of that routinely has 144,000 people missing, and they’re never brought to mind, is China because there are too many people in this country as it is.  So, maybe God in His infinite wisdom and mercy decided to let the Chinese in, after all.

But my question is, really, who’s selling whom a bag of tits?


The above was written as a comment on the below blog’s post:    http://drudgeretort.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/new-date-for-apocalypse/

About soaringdragons

Twenty years and still alive--in China, that is. I write about China and the world of spirit--all very non-expertly--and whatever else strikes my fancy. You'll find posts on even days of the month.
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