Rich, Fat, and Sassy Chinese


You know how your parents always tell you not to eat snacks before dinner because it will ruin your appetite? There! We’ve had the answer to weight-loss the whole time and never even saw it nestled in between the Twinkies and Doritos.

If you want to lose weight America, you should be eating dessert as the first course of every meal–even breakfast, which is basically dessert with milk on it anyway. Just by eating dessert before dinner you could save 600 calories a day off your normal daily intake, because after eating four scoops of ice cream and licking the bowl clean, you take a couple of mouthfuls of roast beef and mashed potatoes, tell your mom you’re full, and leave the table.

If you’re successful in losing weight, and how can you not be when you’re eating twelve scoops of ice cream a day, you can bring your secret to China and set up a chain of weight-loss dessert recipes and get rich. The Chinese, along with their wonderful runaway economic steam engine powering a vast increase in wealth, are experiencing for the first time in their history fat on a large scale.

The scale is now measuring over 2 billion* pounds of lard, not as much as the 3 billion** pounds Americans are currently lugging around, but soon the Chinese will surpass them even as they recently exceeded them in total purchases of luxury items (“How many Rolexes do you really need?”) All this massive increase in tonnage will only mean more profits for you if you move to China.

If you’re not yet convinced, six years ago I stood outside a junior high school in Jinan City and counted the fat kids. Ten percent! In case you don’t know, Jinan is in Shandong Province which is one of the economic power houses of China. People in the east and along the coast of China are making fortunes, and they’re buying gym memberships in ever increasing numbers in hopes of losing weight.

But that’s where you come in. We all know nobody can really lose weight in a gym because who wants to go to the gym forever?  So, imagine the number of Chinese who will buy your recipes because they would rather eat twelve scoops of ice cream a day than go to the gym! It’s a no-brainer. Come to China.

But before leaving America and setting up camp in China there are a few things you should know. First, learning Chinese is easy. I know this isn’t what most people will tell you, but it’s true. Just compare Chinese to English. It doesn’t have plurals, definite or indefinite articles, verb conjugation or tenses, so many unruly prepositions, or such an insane spelling system, you know, stuff like sluff, slough, tuff, slew, slow, plow, though, plough, pugh, pew, loshun, oshun, etc. (I dare anyone to read those words fast and out loud.)

Second, it’s colder in the south than in the north even though the temperatures are warmer in the south. How can that be? Simple. The houses in the north are heated, but not in the south. Ask people living in Los Angeles or Miami if they like having central heat like everybody else. So be forewarned.

Third, China is the Final Frontier. I know, I know, Kennedy said space was the final frontier. But unless you’re launching yourself into space, China is the final frontier. If you don’t believe me, just ask your folks about all the American companies that have sent jobs to Asia–especially to China. All those companies believe that China is the future. So my advice to you is to come to China, because even a slow boat to China is better than a fast boat to….

*10% of Chinese people equals 140,000,000 people times 15 pounds each = 2,100,000,000 pounds.

**30% of American people equals 100,000,000 people times 30 pounds each = 3,000,000,000 pounds.

About soaringdragons

Twenty years and still alive--in China, that is. I write about China and the world of spirit--all very non-expertly--and whatever else strikes my fancy. You'll find posts on even days of the month.
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2 Responses to Rich, Fat, and Sassy Chinese

  1. Tom says:

    Fun post. I work in a hospital on the East coast of China, and the big topic here is diabetes. So sugar-free diet ice cream would be a must for your chain to be a success.

  2. soaringdragons says:

    Thanks for the comment. My only question is does sugar-free diet ice cream come in 31 flavors?

    Your blog “Seeing Red in China” is great, and its name is wonderful! It has at least three different meanings. I wish I had thought of it! Cheers!

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